Random thoughts at the end of a long, exhausting work week:

  • I can’t function on 3 hours of sleep without burning out and melting down. So, I go to bed these days before midnight and, if I have work to do — and often these days, this is the case — I get up early, praying it doesn’t get in the way for the opportunity to go to weekday Mass in the morning. Thus far, no major meltdowns, and I’m grateful for that.
  • The more I read about autism, the more I honestly think I’m on the spectrum (as are several undiagnosed people close to me). The woke rhetoric of a lot of the reading materials and social media is hard to stomach, but maybe I have something to learn from it.
  • I honestly don’t know why I bother posting anything on Facebook anymore. At this point, I’m fine with posting F-related things there (and on its Meta sister site Instagram) and leaving it at that. Nobody online cares about my baseball thoughts or other uninvited opinions, which is part of the reason I have this space. Here, I can post purely for my own enjoyment, and I don’t have to be reminded by the visible lack of response that it’s being ignored.
  • In some respects, I have become less empathetic as I grow older. I have slowly learned to be less thoughtful, less caring than I was in my youth. Some of it is laziness, I admit. Much of it is a defense mechanism after years of feeling overlooked and finding my own kindnesses — particularly toward those for whom I cared the most — unrecognized. Thoughtfulness eventually had become pointless to me. I’ve edited a lot of my friend circles for this reason.
  • Caring hurts. That said, I also understand that I am still called to be charitable and kind. So, this is how I try to move forward, despite my unfortunate tendencies in recent years.

As always, onward.

Random thoughts:

  • I’m tired.
  • I don’t enjoy social media anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if staying in touch with friends from college and elsewhere is really worth sticking around Facebook.
  • My capacity for news – or what purports to be news – and the chattering masses online is down to nothing now. My online consumption is limited to faith content and sports coverage (often in newsletters), and sometimes even that can be intolerable.
  • I’ve grown incredibly disenchanted with humanity.
  • I’m exceedingly grateful for this little web space of mine.
  • My head is crowded with thoughts about how to uncrowd it. My soul feels so cluttered and in desperate need of structure.
  • Themes that keep popping up in my spiritual reading (not listed in order of importance): order, peace of heart, mortification and suffering, Jesus in the Gospels, purity of intent, forgiveness, disappointment.
  • Very grateful for the Hallow and Amen apps that provide prayers and meditations and Scripture readings I can listen to when I need to wind down at night.
  • Did I mention I’m tired? Deeply, deeply tired.